AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY:
1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST RAGS:
See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KISS: Mom's medicine.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.

MAYBE: No.

NAIL POLISH: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

"YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.